I’m not good enough. I’m a failure. I should be better at (everything). I’m afraid to start because I might fail. What if I make the wrong choice? In the last week, I’ve heard numerous {amazing, powerful, strong} women share these words with me. It’s easy for me to listen to them thinking, of course you are good enough! Of course you’ll make the right choice! Of course you’ll be successful! I already see their success. I already see their talent. I already have confidence in them. But it’s easier to see for others what we can’t see for ourselves.
I’ve been on the other side of that conversation. I know what its like to feel like you’re not enough. This self-doubt and lack of self-worth is our ego at work, using its primary tool, judgment. It is sneaky and shows up in so many ways, including the following:
- I’m not the best, so I’ll give up before I start. Comparison, the other tool of the ego. Unrealistically compare self to the world’s leading expert. Also known as perfection paralysis.
- It feels selfish to… {insert self-care activity of choice}. But, I feel selfish engaging in self-care activities. I should be folding laundry instead of meditating.
- I’m not working hard enough. Life should be hard (one of the ego’s mantras). When things are coming easy to me, clearly I’m not pushing myself enough!
- If I’m not in control, I’m out of control. It all falls on my shoulders. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done, so I will push and force if need be.
- I’m a fake. I’m not perfect. I don’t know it all. I haven’t mastered everything. OMG that means I know nothing. I’m going to fail (or get fired). While that sounds like a drastic jump, it happens. Something small snowballs into an anxiety provoking worst-case scenario.
- Who would I be without my struggle? The ego feels so uncomfortable in the presence of our light, that it will do everything in its power to keep us in darkness. So we unknowingly sabotage our success because it feels terrifying to feel good.
- This is a crisis. When we are living in our light, we are able to step back and see that events, situations and people come into our lives to gently nudge us into alignment and teach us lessons. However, when the ego is running the show, everything becomes an attack of epic proportion. Which leads to everything feeling like….
- This is personal. Here’s another secret of the ego…it is ADDICTED TO DRAMA. It wants to make you believe that everything is personal. However, it rarely is. And finally…
- The OS Factor (Oh Sh*t). You have a brilliant idea, a breakthrough, a transformation, an achievement or another fantastic result. Cue the ego. It’ll sneak up like an anxiety attack and grip every cell of your being. Every time.
Now that we’re clear on the ego’s tactics, tools and methods, let’s talk about the some tactics, tools and methods we can use to gracefully quiet the voice of the ego. Even though we want one, and reach for plenty of hollow ones, there is no magic pill that will instantly or permanently destroy our ego. Here are a few practices that I’ve found to be helpful in quieting mine…
- Expect your ego. Certain situations will inevitably provoke feelings of fear or doubt. Instead of hoping my ego won’t rear it’s ugly head, I fully except that it will and accept when it does. I am then able to greet it kindly, instead of resisting it, and let it know I don’t need its help. This approach diminishes the ego’s grip on me.
- Be defenseless. When we become curious about situations in our lives, instead of being defensive, we release resistance, which disables persistence. Our biggest fears and doubts are actually our greatest teachers and the keys to some of your biggest transformations, if we chose to see them that way. If we choose to resist them, or fight them, they will return.
- Change your perspective. Several years ago I was struggling – going through a divorce and hating my career. I thought it was the end of the world. A coach I was working with had me stop and look at my life from an outsider’s perspective. Through outside eyes, I saw a very different reality than I was seeing inwardly. I saw someone who had a lot going for her. So next time you feel low, stop and take a look from the outside. The view is usually kinder and better. If you’re really stuck, ask to borrow your friend’s eyes.
- Be SELF-ish. When you care for self, you care for everyone around you. Taking a few minutes, or more, to feed your soul will result in you giving more to others. You will be more present and more patient, for starters. Besides, the best way to quiet the ego is to connect with your true voice, your inner light, and your higher wisdom. When you are connected with your light, there is no room for darkness (ego).
- Don’t take it personally. This took me F O R E V E R to truly understand. Being human, it’s not always possible. But, I’m able to do it more often than not, and it’s life changing. Recently I could have been disappointed by someone in my life. Instead I saw it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with their own suffering. When I was able to see this, I didn’t feel hurt by their actions and instead I felt compassion for them.
What about you? What are some ways you feel your ego creep up and how do you silence it?
